IT TAKES DIVINE INTERVENTION AND HARDWORK

SO LAST JUNE 2014, I TOOK NOTE OF MY BIGGEST FRUSTRATIONS AND ONE OF THEM WAS NOT BEING CHOSEN TO REPRESENT OUR SCHOOL IN THIS ENDODONTIC (ROOT CANAL) COMPETITION. OK WHY AM I TYPING IN ALL CAPS? So, I remember how depressed I was. Well, nobody could tell because I'm such an expert masking my feelings. Ha. Ha. So you see, with some kind of divine intervention and tons of mixed circumstances,I was chosen to represent. To cut the story short (I'd rather keep to myself all the beautiful and frightening memories), I won and was sent to Hong Kong, the country of yeah Hong Kong. So blessed enough to get a free all expense trip, accomodation in a 5 starhotel and 6000 bucks. Can't I just be the happiest girl in the planet (Ed Sheeran singing on the background)? Basically, I had the time of my life. FEW BEST PEOPLE ARE GUIDING ME THROUGH THE LORD'S BLUEPRINT. I just don't want to forget the bliss that this moment had given me.
Lord, I know You are with me wherever I am and I know that You are using me for a bigger plan. I pray for courage and strength to do these things accordingly. Thank You po. :)

Running no more, I want to walk with you

I imagine just spending wonderful days with you. When I say wonderful, good and bad, to better and worse and the best and the worst. I daydream of being with you in different places where we will together see how beautifully the world was made. I reckon the laughs you will share with me would be so lovely. Laughing with you is always lovely you know. It's priceless. Just thinking about it makes me smile now. Finally, Courage decided to pay a visit and well here I am. Welcome home. I promise to respect the difference of this relationship from my first love. You know how tough that road was. It's still a miracle to be here now. But this feeling's so strong to need some "sexy time"(inside joke right there haha). So darling, let's go? :)

VOID

EVERYDAY, YOU BATTLE THE ITCH OF WANTING TO BE CONNECTED. IT IS THE SAME ROUTINE. YOU WAKE UP, EAT, CHECK YOUR SOCIAL NETWORKIN ACCOUNTS AND SCAN FOR STUFF YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT. TRYING TO GRASP WHERE YOU BELONG, YOU SWIM INTO THE OCEAN OF UPDATES OF SAME SOULS WHO ARE JUST LIKE YOU. LONELY. I BELIEVE, SATAN REALLY HAVE DONE THIS VERY WELL THIS TIME. I DO NOT WANT TO SOUND ANYWHER NEAR DRAMATIC BUT LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, EVERYTHING I WILL B SAYING WILL BE COMING FROM A LOST HEART WHO IS HOPING AND PRAYING THAT THIS COULD HELP ME GET TO SOMEWHERE. ANYTHING BUT EMPTINESS.
I GO THROUGH DAYS JUS TRYING TO UNDERSTAND HOW SIMPLE YET COMPLEX EVERYTHING IS NOW, NOWADAYS. WONDERING IF I AM ALONE IN THIS REALIZATION, I END UP CONVINCING MYSELF THAT I AM TRULY ALONE. I THINK IT IS ALWAYS BETTER LIKE THAT. THE IDEA DROWNS ME TO AN ABYSS OF BITTRNESS AND PAIN SO I TRY TO GRAB ON WHATEVER THAT WIL BRING SALVATION. ANDTHE EASIEST SALVATION THERE IS, SOCIAL NETWORKING SITES. THESE BRING ME TO A PLACE WHER I FEEL I BELONG BUT COMPLETELY AM NOT. A SENSE OF SATISFACTION, UNBELIEVABLY, IS PROVIDED. THE UNLASTING KIND, THOUGH.
 I DIVE INTO MILLIONS OF PHOTOS OF PEOPLE I KNOW, I'VE MET AND DON'T HAE A CLUE ABOUT BUT I JUST DIVE IN. FROM MINUTES TO HOURS, I JUST IMMERSE MYSELF ON THESE IDEAS OF WHO THESE PEOPLE ARE. ON THE OTHER HAND, I USUALLY CATCH A GLIMPSE OF MY NIECE WATCHING HI-5, I WOULD SMILE AND DIVE IN AGAIN.  WAVE AFTR WAVE OF UNENDING UPDATES I JUS, FOR SOME REASON, WANT TO KNOW IS ROUGHLY ENTERTAINING.THEN, FROM TIME TO TIME MY NIECE WOULD TELL ME SOMETHING REALLY ADORABLE BUT I WOULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT IT IS BUT I'M CERTAIN THAT I SMILE AT HER.AT THE END OF THE DAY, I WOULD LOOK BACK AND END UP EXHAUSTED MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY. SURPISING, ISN'T IT? HOW SIMPLE THE DAY WENT BUT HOW COMPLEX THE END IS.
I HONESTLY STILL HAVE NOT COME UP WITH THE SOLUTION TO THIS UNFORTUNATE PARTICULAR SORCERY BUT I DREAM OF RESURRECTION FROM THIS OCEAN OF DISCONNECTION. IWANT TO BE WITH THE PEOPLE I LOVE, EVERYDAY IF POSSIBLE AND REALLY CONNECT WITH THEM. I WANT T KNOW THAT WE ARE STILL BREATHING THE SAME AIR NOT JUST SWIMMING IN THE SAME SEA. I DON'T KNOW IF YOU GET WHAT I MEAN. I JUST FEAR OF REGRETS BECAUSE THAT IS THE ROOT OF UNHAPPINESS. IF SATAN HAS DONE IT GOOD THIS TIME TO ELIMINATE REAL (AGAIN, REAL) RELATIONSHIPS AMONGST PEOPLE, THE MORE WE HAVE TO CLING ON AND BE DEPENDENT ON OUR GLORIOUS GOD. HOW DO WE DO THIS? I TRULY DON'T KNOW. I JUST PRAY.

Indifference

I do not remember when it began. I do not know how. But I do know why.
Truly, the opposite of love is not hate yet rather, indifference.
To the half of my being

To better choices!

To risks and responsibilities

I'M READY FOR YOU!

Get ready for a coaster ride

Getting an advice from a not-so-reliable friend of mine, I've decided to follow his once in a blue-moon-sensible-opinion. And that is instead of wasting my very precious time with addressing my feelings and other unproductive blah's here in this blog (which I am pretty sure that I'm the only viewer there is), why not blog about everything that has to be done in school. Plus, due to my viral infection, which limits me from any patient contact, (for my non-dental 0 viewers, it means I can not move forward with my clinical requirements!) might as well just do something productive.
THIS IS NOT TO BE DISREGARDED.
You are a fellow with, let's say, lesser ability to manage her time very well. Take that seriously.

Here is a list of the tasks you have to accomplish. Promptly arranged based on importance and urgency. So move your ass kid!

1. Endodontic Case study
    This is big time opportunity just waiting to be grabbed. Five years of being in the College of Dentistry, I have lived a routine weekdays of studying, eating, "nakaw na tulog" in between classes, A.C.E. every now and then, 3 hours of sleep and now clinic. That everyday. Then comes the weekend, which basically do not make any hint of uniqueness. Now this. An open chance to make a difference. To FINALLY differentiate myself from the rest of the 700 dental students in University of the East, Philippines. I can not let this go to waste. I have to stop ranting about the pile of work lined up for me.
I have to move.

2. Last 3 Prosthodontic requirements (Anterior FPD and PJC + Posterior FPD)
   Last 1 month, chick! Better stand up and be a man.

3. Pulpotomy, SSC, SOC
    Now, I am having panic attack. Can I finish this in a span of less than a month? Lord help me. What am I even doing here blogging? :( :( :(

4. Research defense
    I don't think this (blogging) is helping AT ALL.

5. Open a possible posterior RCT (?)
     Sign of my unskillful time management "skill". Overestimating my abilities and underestimating the short span of time left for me. Bow.

6. Finalize ACE seminar. 
     My saving grace. I hope.

How do I squeeze these all in?

Keen, God loves you

"...I have learned that God allows us to go through a state where we cannot find meaning in what we’re currently doing, to give us a chance to pause for a while and revisit the reason why we are where we are in the first place." -Fred Ting's To study, and to study well, is the least that we can do

On dreaming, big

With all the muscle and hassle, I should keep my self still and be warned of being overwhelmed. To remember to take it one step at a time. With all the pending academic and clinical requirements plus of course, the gigantic responsibilities I, kind of automatically, acquired when I was elected as the president of my organization, I could just decide to die. But then again, I refuse to fail, by any means, at any of these. This may sound ambitious and full of thyself (but what's wrong with being such), I feel sure that I will be somebody great, someday. The idea of just passing through life without any mark is unthinkable. Pondering about these, come to think of it, if I fail as a career woman, I still have a shot of not failing as a mother. Thank God for my uterus. Yet, that is not the road I choose to take. Motherhood will not be my safety net. I will be successful then, I will marry then, create six magnificent children, whom I will love, shelter, love, play with, love and LOVE. You see, I don't gamble, I do the math.
There are days, well most days, anxiety attacks my vulnerable mind with what the future holds for me. Those days would be so unbearable. I become a ticking bomb. Just waiting for someone to pull the thread then BOOM. It is difficult to run away from something my blood line...is most likely to achieve.
I resort to praying. Hoping and wishing that my plans coincide with His.

Confessions of a coward (Part 1 of many)

As the wind forcefully blows my hair and activates my arrector pili muscle (well, just wanted to sound smart), series of a particular memory rise inside my brain. When someone raises the question, "Will you go out with me?", plus the decency to follow it up with, "I'll bring you home.", one would most likely be  jittery and say the BIG, "I do.", well I mean, "Yes.". For most girls, I consider way braver and smarter and less complicated than I am, they probably would have done what I wish I had. But will never be able to. Ever.
This is the confessions of a coward. (Dreading my need to sound as melodramatic as how movies do it.)
I have dreams of finding that one true love.Who doesn't? But when it does try to creep in my veins, to slowly enter my incapable heart, I shoo it away. This is not a girl who has fallen in love and was left broken. This is a girl drowning with the thoughts of 'what-might-have-been's'. Perhaps, my choice of regretting what I haven't done than regret something I did (in which I believed was more safe than the latter) is a humongous note from a dummy. Guess, I should have just.
I have learned that there are perpetual interventions that persist in our daily lives. That everything has a reason and that reason is everything blah blah. Quite not sure though, if this has now become my habitual excuse for my lack of courage to JUST. PLUNGE. IN! Sixty, rather seventy percent of me, okay, eighty, is now convinced that I have fear of commitment. Sounds cliche in this era of grotesque failed marriages.
When did this world, I, start fearing that uncomfortable, awkward first date. Do not forget that comfort we (okay, I) immerse ourselves in when we communicate with the opposite sex in a loud, dark, congested room. Foolish girl. I've always nagged myself and my girl friends to be meticulous in choosing that right person. I've missed the idea that, I too, should be meticulous in developing myself to be that right woman. That if I want to bring home the bacon, I must swallow that fear, wholly.

To that boy across the table. I wish you took more time to know me. I wish I took the courage to know you too.