Sustained

"Blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial." James 1:12

How I hope I could be more than I could give. It has been difficult lately, you see. My spirit is just dampened and down the drain. I'm considering the idea  that I am undergoing depression but I refuse to fully meditate on that. Truth is, there is a probability that I have completely lost my self in this journey. I feel as if I am preventing myself from obtaining happiness. I am all over the place. Everyday, I  find myself cut adrift from the people I love and that includes myself.
Unsure.

My pride is aggravating the situation and I could not bring myself to ask for help. I just need someone to listen but at the same time, neither am I interested in talking nor listening.  Truthfully, I've been talking to the Lord. But just like any cliche mistake, I might have been an ill listener. Every now and then, I would actually be comforted by realizations. He is sustaining me. Yet I will continuously descend in my own little miserable mind. I am anything but proud of this. I wish I could overcome my limitations and be steadfast.  Just be steadfast, Keen. How difficult is it for you to just get your self altogether? -

I know that everyone has to be undergoing something and if you aren't and you are in a happy disposition, please be completely present in that moment because alot of us would do anything for that. And for you, who might also be enduring the same yet unique challenges in life, I pray that you are holding on. Please please please be a better version of me. One day, I hope if I stumble upon one of your writings or better yet have a conversation with you, you will tell me all of your experience and that you rose up during those tough and trying moments and that you didn't let it beat you. I want to be inspired by your stories of endings and beginnings. And if does help, just know that there is this one person who will always look forward meeting you. You who had undergone ALOT, callused and forsaken and yet continued to sail on and above all, remained steadfast.

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Amidst Concerns

Let me share to you this very gracious reminder that I've read in  the book called, "The Anawim Way", which is a Hebrew word that means, "the poor who depends on the Lord for deliverance" .

"Sadly, we often do not even recognize ourselves. When we forget the extraordinary love of God, we begin to forget our identity. We are His flock; we are His children, members of His family. Therefore, in spite of our weakness and the dangerous wolves we face, we do not live in fear. Instead we look forward to the future with hope, awaiting our complete fulfillment in God, when "we shall be like him, for we shall see him as he is."

For the past weeks, I have found my comfort in these lines.. Preparing for the board exam is difficult as it is yet the anxiety of the voices inside my head that constantly send me messages of doubt and fear of failure is the worst. But, I'm saved by His grace. A thud from outside probably due to a fallen object, a sudden ring from my phone and even loud voices of people fighting outside in the streets of Gastambide would divorce me from my negative thoughts. I would always feel Him in these unlikely things. But I truly do believe that He comes in many different forms to save us from ourselves. Am I deranged? Maybe I am overthinking and over assessing this one. I will never know. But as long as I feel connected with Him, I don't mind being mad or nonsensical.

Hope you find your own message even in simplest of things.

MAGIC

Most people need other people to believe in them so they can believe in themselves , there's nothing wrong with that.  

BUT.

Anyone can believe in you, that'll be amazing. But if you start to believe in yourself before anyobody else's approval, that'll flourish wonders.

May you find your confidence .

YES PLEASE

“Because what else are we going to do? Say no? Say no to an opportunity that may be slightly out of our comfort zone? Quiet our voice because we are worried it is not perfect? I believe great people do things before they are ready.”
Amy Poehler, Yes Please

For that license

THIS ONE ASKS DISCIPLINE, ALL OUT DISCIPLINE.

I am definitely far from the other side and struggling. Fear sets in once in a while but I shrug it off once it tries 9 creep in. I want to be a topnotcher. Top 1 to be exact. That desire, I suffice, brings me 6ft under and makes me lose my composure. I don't want this journey to end without giving a fight. This will prolly be my biggest frustration if that happens. Yet, it 8s undeniable that this journey has taken its hit on me. It is an everyday struggle to learn new informations which I should have known 4 years ago. But I'm trying to squeeze it all right in. I ave less than a month now.

LORD, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND A THING ABOUT THIS PLANTED DESIRE IN MY HEART T9 ACHIEVE, BUT YOU KNOW ALL GOOD THINGS, AND I PRAY THAT WHATEVER YOU HOLD FOR ME, I MAY ACCEPT AND UNDERSTAND.AMEN.